The attack of the killer bees..not really.

I walked my dogs over to my friend's house to use her big fenced in yard. I get into her backyard, and the dogs start running around for a few minutes and then they were ready to go home. In the meantime, I stepped on a bee's nest. These were some really pissed off Yellow Jackets (A/K/A The Bastards) who stung me in and around my right ear, I would rather have a buzz from a few beers than having a loud buzz in my ear. Just so you know, pulling a bee out of your ear is no easy task.   My hair wasn't going to be their surrogate new home either so they stung my scalp, stung me a few more times and attacked my dogs. I fell over Daisy trying to save the dogs from The Bastards. Poor Penny's eye lid is swollen, and Daisy decided to eat the little Bastards. All this caused me to buy children's Benadryl for the dogs. Mental note: Dogs don't like cherry Benedryl liquid. I, on the other hand, after the first 5 shots of Benedryl, it doesn't taste like cherry at all but after the 2nd shot, it didn't matter.    I also don't recommend putting ice in your ear.  You will end up with swimmer's ear.

I felt the love.

Just a thought in my head at this moment:  It's not always about you.  Sometimes, you need to open your heart, listen and ask the questions people are normally afraid of asking. I went for a jog on the treadmill at the health club which ended up being a walk.  I know plenty of people at the club since I've been an employee for almost 7 years, I often talk to the members.  I've learned a lot about their lives.
Yesterday, I noticed "Jack," on the spin bike.  I know his tough story and it is truly heart breaking.  I stopped to see how he was doing, and he was happy that his diabetic damaged foot is finally healing. Its taken months and lots of surgeries.  I asked about his wife and how she was feeling these days.  He was so excited to make a Rolling Stone birthday cake for her birthday on April 1st.  She will be 57 this year, and has dementia.  She was diagnosed a few years ago with early onset dementia and the disease has rapidly progressed.  I told him I was impressed of his strength and this is when he opened up. I just listened and kept asking the questions he wanted me to ask.  They have "baby" proofed the house, she has an obsession with trash, and also has an oral fixation.  She doesn't remember any of her friends but she still is able to go to the gym classes she loved so much but she doesn't follow the instructions but it gives him a chance to be alone.  She occupies her time with children's coloring books and is attached at the hip to Jack when she is not coloring.  She needs to mimic everything he does during the day so he needs to hide his medications and his diabetic needles. He told me he goes through all the emotions and misses his wife terribly. I told him I still believe that he is a strong man and she is very lucky to have him who loves her so much.   I did not say I would pray for him or his family.

Having an autoimmune disease, it has taught me not to be afraid of asking questions.  It has taught me to listen.   Why are people so afraid?  I guess they don't want to get involved.  I wonder why?

That mouse and my smile.

Okay, Mr. Mouse, toy with me.  I'm hard at work, and you decide to walk back and forth above my head on the other side of the drop ceiling.  I hear that tiny laughter of joy knowing that at any minute I'm going to leave my desk, go to lunch or go home for the day.  It seems when I turn up my music, your walk gets faster.  Perhaps you are dancing to the beat or you know when the music stops, you can come down from the ceiling.  

Your days are numbered, Mr. Mouse.  You ate my gluten-free granola and then washed it down with my tea.  You decided to be polite and leave presents in the box so I wouldn't notice all my granola missing.  I'm smarter than that, Mr. Mouse.  Granola does not look black, so HA!

This is a fight to the death.  I will probably lose by falling through the drop ceiling while you mock me.  I might hit my head against the underside of my desk while chasing you, however, I will not quit until I catch  you.  What is my plan after I catch you, you may ask?  As angry as I am, I will shake my finger at you, yell at you, and take you outside where you belong.  All I ask, do not eat my food and do not return to the place you call home.

My life is not Lupus.  Sometimes, I think about things like the above.  Or, the time, I tried to steal a hair pin shaped as a spider but caught in the cotton webbing instead.  My laughter at that moment was so real, that my stomach hurt.  The mouse makes me laugh at work.  Spending time with friends and family makes me smile, and sometimes, spending time alone, writing can make me smile, even laugh at myself.  Who ever thinks about mice, granola, and getting caught up in fake cobwebs. 

Sitting under the Big Oak Tree

Life isn't always easy.  There are times when "things" in general are impossible, and you don't know how to get past these problems.  When I can't handle reality anymore, I stop.  I need a day to recover,  sit under a big tree,  listen to the birds chirping, and watch the puffy clouds float away.  I often write down my feelings, and when I'm done, I'm at peace with myself and the world.  I also try to remember when I was on vacation with my hubby in Jamaica. We were on a cruise to the islands.

One of the stops was Jamaica.  At the time, I thought I was strong, and I had Hal with me, so what could go wrong? We decided to ocean kayak to the falls.  Had I known how much strength you needed, I might have considered twice about the kayak part of the trip.  I am so stubborn and determined, we got into the kayak, and started rowing our way to the falls.  I could see the falls from the kayak, and it didn't seem that far away.  I was mistaken, it was a few nautical miles which isn't far in a boat with an engine.  Half way, I turned to Hal, and I had given up and  I don't give up without a fight.  The tour guide in the motorized boat, threw us the line, told us to hold on for dear life  and the tip of the kayak was up in the air.  At times, I didn't know if we were still touching the water.  We hit land within minutes but the thrill lasted what seemed a lifetime.  I told the tour director, I'm so sorry, I just got so tired and I  am embarrassed that the rest of the tourists made it to shore.  He turned to me, and said, "there are no problems in Jamaica,  just situations and with situations, there are always solutions."

So, when my life gets complicated, I need to remember, when work, friends, family, or myself makes life difficult, just remember that man in Jamaica telling me about situations and there are always solutions to situations.

Pushing forward

People ask me why I have a goal of bench pressing 150 Lbs. It's usually said with a sarcastic tone, and they might think I'm crazy.  I'm not doing this for them.  The truth is I have set this goal for myself to prove a point. I was an avid health club member, always running, walking, kickboxing or spinning. I always had motivation to move and to lose weight. A battle I'm still fighting to this day. Out of the blue, I got sick. At times, my eyes wouldn't focus. I lost my balance, pain in my joints and nerve damage. For a while, I poured salt in my wounds, and cried why me. I had to learn to mourn the loss of certain things in my life.


Over a year later, I have learned to get angry and not feel sorry for myself.  I have my moments of sadness but its more anger. For instance, I can no longer go out in the sun without getting sick. Now, I wear hats, and my hubby thinks it’s cute.  I can't always work out like I used too.  My joints ache at times, but I have learned to alter my workout and my daily schedule. 


I saw a petition the other day that reminded me I am a fighter. Some people believe your life is over with Lupus or any other disease. I work with a woman who has stage 4 cancer and she goes to work, goes to her kid's afterschool activities and helps her husband in his career. She is the ultimate fighter.  Volunteering for Lupus has made me realize there are many fighters. Fighters who work and have productive lifes. This is why I push myself to have goals. I want to lift 150 lbs. I used to think I want to do this in a few weeks. However, this is not going to happen since my body won't allow me but that's okay.  I can accept the fact my goal now will take 6 months or maybe a year. I don't care; the only thing I care about is completing my goal and pushing forward.  I want to prove to myself that I am strong on the outside and the inside. Lupus sucks but allowing it to control my life sucks even more.

Fight. Don't give in.