Sitting under the Big Oak Tree

Life isn't always easy.  There are times when "things" in general are impossible, and you don't know how to get past these problems.  When I can't handle reality anymore, I stop.  I need a day to recover,  sit under a big tree,  listen to the birds chirping, and watch the puffy clouds float away.  I often write down my feelings, and when I'm done, I'm at peace with myself and the world.  I also try to remember when I was on vacation with my hubby in Jamaica. We were on a cruise to the islands.

One of the stops was Jamaica.  At the time, I thought I was strong, and I had Hal with me, so what could go wrong? We decided to ocean kayak to the falls.  Had I known how much strength you needed, I might have considered twice about the kayak part of the trip.  I am so stubborn and determined, we got into the kayak, and started rowing our way to the falls.  I could see the falls from the kayak, and it didn't seem that far away.  I was mistaken, it was a few nautical miles which isn't far in a boat with an engine.  Half way, I turned to Hal, and I had given up and  I don't give up without a fight.  The tour guide in the motorized boat, threw us the line, told us to hold on for dear life  and the tip of the kayak was up in the air.  At times, I didn't know if we were still touching the water.  We hit land within minutes but the thrill lasted what seemed a lifetime.  I told the tour director, I'm so sorry, I just got so tired and I  am embarrassed that the rest of the tourists made it to shore.  He turned to me, and said, "there are no problems in Jamaica,  just situations and with situations, there are always solutions."

So, when my life gets complicated, I need to remember, when work, friends, family, or myself makes life difficult, just remember that man in Jamaica telling me about situations and there are always solutions to situations.

Pushing forward

People ask me why I have a goal of bench pressing 150 Lbs. It's usually said with a sarcastic tone, and they might think I'm crazy.  I'm not doing this for them.  The truth is I have set this goal for myself to prove a point. I was an avid health club member, always running, walking, kickboxing or spinning. I always had motivation to move and to lose weight. A battle I'm still fighting to this day. Out of the blue, I got sick. At times, my eyes wouldn't focus. I lost my balance, pain in my joints and nerve damage. For a while, I poured salt in my wounds, and cried why me. I had to learn to mourn the loss of certain things in my life.


Over a year later, I have learned to get angry and not feel sorry for myself.  I have my moments of sadness but its more anger. For instance, I can no longer go out in the sun without getting sick. Now, I wear hats, and my hubby thinks it’s cute.  I can't always work out like I used too.  My joints ache at times, but I have learned to alter my workout and my daily schedule. 


I saw a petition the other day that reminded me I am a fighter. Some people believe your life is over with Lupus or any other disease. I work with a woman who has stage 4 cancer and she goes to work, goes to her kid's afterschool activities and helps her husband in his career. She is the ultimate fighter.  Volunteering for Lupus has made me realize there are many fighters. Fighters who work and have productive lifes. This is why I push myself to have goals. I want to lift 150 lbs. I used to think I want to do this in a few weeks. However, this is not going to happen since my body won't allow me but that's okay.  I can accept the fact my goal now will take 6 months or maybe a year. I don't care; the only thing I care about is completing my goal and pushing forward.  I want to prove to myself that I am strong on the outside and the inside. Lupus sucks but allowing it to control my life sucks even more.

Fight. Don't give in.